Is God Abusive?

God, for me, is pink, yellow and blue hues of a soft ambience.
“God, please help me!” I cried.
And God did.
Transported me to that gentle place
while unbearable things happened to my body.
Safe, soft light in which I floated,
where I couldn’t hear, feel, smell or taste.
I thought my mind did it, later
when I stopped believing in God.
Now, I don’t know.
I don’t think my mind can ever know.
So how can I know?
With my heart?
Intuitive, open; it already guides me
when I let it.
I. Mind. Why does my mind think it is the owner of my heart?
Or the owner of anything?
Who does my mind think it is?
Everything is so weird when I think about God and what it is.
My body tightens and it’s hard to breathe.
It’s like that when I take magic mushrooms.
That initial letting go of control,
of protection.
Against God?
Why?
The association with abuse of my body.
And if we are all one then God did that!
So yeah, protection against God!
Anger at God!
Apparently I chose it.
This life.
These abuses.
According to a lot of spiritual teachers.
Why on Earth would I do that?
Why?
I cannot fathom it.
With my mind protecting me I cannot fathom it.
With my heart open?
I still don’t know why I would choose abuse.
I don’t know if spiritual teachers speak the truth.
People buy it though.
I don’t want to buy it.
I want to find out for myself.
I have tools: meditation, coaching, therapy, walking, painting, magic truffles;
my heart present with all of these.

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